Spring tries to kill me. With its pollening and its storms and tornadoes, I'm in hell from mid-March to the first frost; but August upsets me. 

When I think about my younger years, the front of my brain, I swear before Jesus, starts to itch, the way it did when I was a kid. When I was a kid, I was stuck between an older sister who was our only babysitter, and therefore an unquestioned authority figure, and a younger brother who was a violent asshole- a violent asshole whose every brutal outburst was excused by the early 1980s term "hyperactivity." Hyperactivity was caused by "artificial" coloring and flavoring in food- not by the fact that he was, and is, a jerk. That "hyperactive" ass-hat of a brother once threw a large metal cowboy belt buckle at me so hard that when I slammed our bedroom door, just in time, the buckle embedded itself into the wood of the door. This act was blamed on the (absolutely "natural") orange color in some cheddar cheese he'd eaten earlier that afternoon.  This was not an isolated, nor an infrequent, incident. This was my childhood. This, on top of being raised in a high-control religious group- a cult- was my every day.  Both that older sister and younger brother were born in August. August- the scorching hellhole of months. 

The parents that excused his abusive behavior spanked us every day, with a red electrical wire, a leather belt, or a wooden spoon. Poor me, I know. 

Add that crap to the fact that the religious sect I was raised in didn't allow the celebration of any holidays. We had no Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no Halloween, no birthday parties. February should have a been a respite, but Valentine's day found me sitting in the elementary school office with my brother and the secretary who resented us for nearly always being late for school, thanks to my mother, and for taking up her time on holidays, when she had to play babysitter. 

Back to my problem with August. I hate August. August is hot and dry and dusty like the blond hair of my problematic brother and sister.

I had no way of fighting against this:

DARVO:

• Deny: The perpetrator denies the abuse or wrongdoing that they are accused of.
• Attack: The perpetrator attacks the accuser, often trying to undermine their credibility or character.
• Reverse Victim and Offender: The perpetrator attempts to portray themselves as the victim and the accuser as the offender.

DARVO is a common tactic used by perpetrators of abuse, including those who are narcissistic or emotionally abusive, to avoid responsibility and maintain control. 

 Yesterday the Angst- what am I saying? Yesterday my anxiety was fucking killing me. I feel better now, but- but. Why do I write this? I don't really have anything to say. I have stress and fear and anxiety that makes me have to take pills and sit back in my chair and drink water while I'm working and it only gets worse if I get a text or my phone rings, or my fucking manager calls me. Blah, blah, blah. Old white lady bitching, but oh my god sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes I can't bend my fingers. Sometimes I can't button my shirt, most of the time I CAN'T FUCKING SEE. Goddamn menopause or age or wtf ever. 

In two days I have an appointment with an oncologist/hematologist. I haven't told anyone. I can't tell anyone. I have to tell someone. 

My white blood count is low. My red blood count is low. I have been tired for the past 17years. Since Apple, I've been stressed as fuck. I'm stressed now. I am SO TIRED. 

I reckon I need help. How do I get it? How do I look for it? I can't ask... just have to go to a doctor. 

Therapy- can I ask Mike about this? How do I start? I'm losing my mind and I'm fucking scared I'm going get fired because I keep sleeping and can't wake up and OMG what can I do? Also I'm so hungry, but I don't want to eat because WW and me fatty fatty 2x4. aaaaaagh

Trying this writing thing again. Made pseudo-Reubens tonight, and they were really good. Pics below, no recipe to follow, because there isn't a recipe. It's some sandwiches: HEB Bauernbrot, Oaxaca cheese, Löwensenf German mustard, and Cleveland Sauerkeraut. 

 

Creamy Chicken Noodle Soup from damndelicious.net - the best online recipe I've ever made.

https://damndelicious.net/2022/04/29/creamy-chicken-noodle-soup/?unapproved=302773&moderation-hash=c5792d6623968375d5495a4e38cfaec4#comment-302773 

I made this almost exactly as written, except I didn’t have egg noodles, and I don’t care for peas, so I used Schwabian Spetzle from Aldi and diced pimentos, mostly for color. That said, it was DELICIOUS. This is one of the best recipes I’ve made from a web site, ever. Really, really good. Thank you, damndelicious! I will be making this again.

Kevin's fiftieth birthday- pandemic version.  Ever since he was a little boy, lasagna was his birthday dinner of choice, with cheesecake for dessert.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

It's hard to take a pretty picture of lasagna, but this was delicious.  Michael Chiarello's "Lasagnette" from page 116 of his book "Casual Cooking."

Tonight, we watched Jaws- it was Mimie's first scary movie. She says she'll be bunking with us tonight.

Right now, though, we're introverting for our country and for all humankind.

Stay safe, be well, and WASH YOUR HANDS.

First post in two years- Covid 19 work-from-home post. 

I've been working at home with Mimie at home with me for five summers and four school years where I've worked various schedules - days and nights, and she has made either AB or A Honor Roll every year. In other words, since she was a little bitty till she's the young lady she is now.

It's exhausting, but we're both okay with it. A few pointers:

1. If your child is old enough, you need to work in a room with a door you can close. Don't try working in the living room or family room if you have a job where you truly have to concentrate.

2. Leave the snacks and some paper cups where your kids can reach them. A cup for water, a Ziploc full of rice cakes or Cheerios, a jar of peanut butter, and a plastic knife can get you through a staff meeting or a world tour without interruption.

3. Don't worry about relying on the TV occasionally. As long as you know what they're watching, it isn't going to kill them to watch more than an hour per day. Books and coloring books are a better option, obviously, but the TV is a good back-up in times of need.

4. Just because you're physically at home does NOT mean you need to worry about cleaning, chores, and tidying up. Do that when you're off the clock or you will drive yourself nuts- and possibly violate your work-at-home contract.

5. I've been working on California time for the majority of the past five years. If your family needs to eat dinner before you're off and able to cook, get things ready for them when you can. The occasional box of mac and cheese or turkey sandwich will hold them over till you get off work.

6. Try to get the dishes done before bed if you can swing it. Paper plates and cups are still available in our grocery store, if that's what you need to fall back on to keep your kitchen manageable. You're not Martha Stewart and you don't have her staff to help you through this.

7. Go easy on yourself and your kids, spouse, or partner. We're all in this together and things are a bit crazy now. Give a little and don't expect too much from anybody- especially yourself. Also, be glad you're ABLE to work from home. Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to do so.

2017 Read Harder Challenge

Here's my working list for Book Riot's 2017 Read Harder Challenge.

Key to the colors on my list:

Black-books I intend to read but haven't started yet.

Lavender - books I'm currently reading

Green - completed books

Read a book about sports. -  Moneyball, maybe?

Read a debut novel. - Other Voices, Other Rooms - Capote

Read a book about books.  - The Uncommon Reader- Alan Bennett

Read a book set in Central or South America, written by a Central or South American author ?

Read a book by an immigrant or with a central immigration narrative. ?

Read an all-ages comic.  ?

Read a book published between 1900 and 1950. Planning to finally finish Is Sex Necessary by Thurber and White

Read a travel memoir Sahara Unveiled

Read a book you’ve read before.   ?

Read a book that is set within 100 miles of your location. 

Read a book that is set more than 5000 miles from your location- The Hunting Party- A. Chekhov

Read a fantasy novel – LeGuin?

Read a nonfiction book about technology. Edwardian Farm, by Alex Langlands, Ruth Goodman, and Peter Guinn

Read a book about war.- The Naked and the Dead – Norman Mailer

Read a YA or middle grade novel by an author who identifies as LGBTQ+??? 

Read a book that has been banned or frequently challenged in your country.  So many to choose from!

Read a classic by an author of color. Their Eyes Were Watching God?

Read a superhero comic with a female lead. ?

Read a book in which a character of color goes on a spiritual journey  - Castaneda?

Read an LGBTQ+ romance novel  I don’t read romance novels.  Would Anais Nin count?

Read a book published by a micropress.

Read a collection of stories by a woman. – The Yellow Wallpaper – Charlotte Perkins Gillman

Read a collection of poetry in translation on a theme other than love.

Read a book wherein all point-of-view characters are people of color.  The Color Purple