Yesterday the Angst- what am I saying? Yesterday my anxiety was fucking killing me. I feel better now, but- but. Why do I write this? I don't really have anything to say. I have stress and fear and anxiety that makes me have to take pills and sit back in my chair and drink water while I'm working and it only gets worse if I get a text or my phone rings, or my fucking manager calls me. Blah, blah, blah. Old white lady bitching, but oh my god sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes I can't bend my fingers. Sometimes I can't button my shirt, most of the time I CAN'T FUCKING SEE. Goddamn menopause or age or wtf ever. 

In two days I have an appointment with an oncologist/hematologist. I haven't told anyone. I can't tell anyone. I have to tell someone. 

My white blood count is low. My red blood count is low. I have been tired for the past 17years. Since Apple, I've been stressed as fuck. I'm stressed now. I am SO TIRED. 

I reckon I need help. How do I get it? How do I look for it? I can't ask... just have to go to a doctor. 

Therapy- can I ask Mike about this? How do I start? I'm losing my mind and I'm fucking scared I'm going get fired because I keep sleeping and can't wake up and OMG what can I do? Also I'm so hungry, but I don't want to eat because WW and me fatty fatty 2x4. aaaaaagh